"Getting Through the Night"

I just survived my first "pokpok shift" (1 AM to 10 AM) in my new job last week. The key word in that sentence is survived. I practically had to will myself to stay awake during the whole 9 hour ordeal of lectures for 4 days. There were times when I was tempted to treat my table as a temporary resting place for my head while I journey to dreamland. No amount of coffee, soda or quick naps in my break periods helped.

I just find this strange since I didn't feel the same way when I worked in another call center (eTelecare) before. Perhaps youth does have its advantages, perhaps knowing the material before it was discussed somehow made it a little less interesting for me (I handled the same account when I worked in eTelecare), or perhaps I didn't have to work a similar shift when I was with eTelecare (My worst shift was 10 PM to 7 AM). For whatever reason it was, my body clock had a hard time coping with my schedule. It was surprising since I adjusted more easily to changes in schedule when I was with my previous employer. It was changed as often as 2 weeks and I didn't have to go through a very hard time in those changes.

Today is the start of another week with the same schedule for me. I like the fact that I'm still up 5 1/2 hours into my shift. By this time last week, I would have been taking my hour-long nap in one of the snooze boxes. It appears that I've finally adjusted to my schedule. It took some time to get used to, tons of coffee and soda, lots of sleep during daytime and some discipline, but I finally got to get through the night.

"Valentine Grinch"

Valentine day's over but I figured it won't hurt if I say bad things about it a few days afterwards. I'm sure that it will find a way to forgive me; it is the day of love after all.

Seriously though, being dateless on that day made me hate the occasion for the first time that I can remember. Gone were the days when I used to feel giddy about Valentine's. I remembered when I was in grade school, giving out a home-made card to my crush was one of the highlights of my year. Until recently, I felt that same feeling of happiness on Valentine's. This year though, I was sickened to see couples holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, laughing with each other, eating out, having drinks, making out (it does happen) etc. I wanted to knock some sense to these couples so that they'd all come back to reality from their chocolate-laced, gift-filled, flower-surrounded fantasies. I mean was all the preparation necessary? Wasn't a simple dinner necessary to convey a message of love? Chocolates? Flowers? Gifts? Cards? I think that's a bit over the edge.

But why is that? Why do guys put their best foot forward, plan agonizingly for the "perfect date" and burn their pockets in the process? Unconditional Love? Or is it just to get laid? Perhaps a little of the former and a lot of the latter?

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not thinking this way because I'm bitter... Well actually I am. Not dating the only person I wanted on Valentine's was a devastating blow for me. Sure I could have gotten a date had I chosen to do it but I decided to drink the night away with my fellow love-challenged friends instead. Somehow, I dind't want to part of all the foolish couples on Valentine's. You might think I'm a lovemonger. I'm not; I'm just a love cynic :)

"Cutting Clean"

I lost a friend yesterday. Not just an ordinary one, she was the best I ever had. She also happens to be my only ex... No, she didn't die and she's not leaving the country. But I already said my last goodbye. There's a sense of finality in that. So now she's definitely lost - from my life, phone's address book, as well as my YM, Friendster and Blogspot accounts. We agreed that there'll be no more phone calls, text messages, chat sessions, dates, etc. I'll even burn her letters and pictures later.

Why did I say goodbye? Because I had to. Because if I didn't, my heart will break everytime I hear her talk fondly of someone else. I envy those guys. I really do. They've barely touched the surface of my ex-friend's personality and they're already hooked. I can't wait for them to learn how wonderful she really is.

Does it hurt? Of course it does. She was the only person I ever loved. I've never been so emotionally dependent in my life except with her. Her opinion was the only one I considered. Her approval, the only one that mattered.

Is there a chance of us being friends again? I doubt it. What we had was special. But I don't feel things will ever be the same as it used to be. I only hope that whoever's responsible for ending that friendship is damn well worth it.

So what now? Sooner or later I have to move on. All it takes is figuring out how to forget the best thing that ever happened to my life. No big deal. Just a walk in the park.

This post makes me envy Jim Carrey's character in the movie (one of my favorites) "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". What I would give to have my mind erased of all the memories that we had together. I feel that it's the only way for me to truly forget her. To break away. To cut clean.