Silent Musings

2006-03-05T14:14:00.000-08:00

" Getting Over: Part 2"

All it took was seeing my ex again...

I thought I was completely over her until I met up with her to return her book. Now the longing for her came back.

I honestly thought it wouldn't. I thought that I was over her. I thought I was in good shape. I considered dating someone seriously. Now my world's turned inside-out again.

I thought I didn't love her anymore. I thought that I wouldn't care. Now I'm back to square one: worrying about her, wishing she was mine.

I know I should stop feeling this way. A future with her is not possible. Yet she does something to me. Is it the way she looks? Or a need to win her back? Or am i just pathetic? Whatever the reason, I need to find a way to overcome it. I just don't wanna hurt anymore.

2006-02-27T14:14:00.000-08:00

"Getting Through the Night"

I just survived my first "pokpok shift" (1 AM to 10 AM) in my new job last week. The key word in that sentence is survived. I practically had to will myself to stay awake during the whole 9 hour ordeal of lectures for 4 days. There were times when I was tempted to treat my table as a temporary resting place for my head while I journey to dreamland. No amount of coffee, soda or quick naps in my break periods helped.

I just find this strange since I didn't feel the same way when I worked in another call center (eTelecare) before. Perhaps youth does have its advantages, perhaps knowing the material before it was discussed somehow made it a little less interesting for me (I handled the same account when I worked in eTelecare), or perhaps I didn't have to work a similar shift when I was with eTelecare (My worst shift was 10 PM to 7 AM). For whatever reason it was, my body clock had a hard time coping with my schedule. It was surprising since I adjusted more easily to changes in schedule when I was with my previous employer. It was changed as often as 2 weeks and I didn't have to go through a very hard time in those changes.

Today is the start of another week with the same schedule for me. I like the fact that I'm still up 5 1/2 hours into my shift. By this time last week, I would have been taking my hour-long nap in one of the snooze boxes. It appears that I've finally adjusted to my schedule. It took some time to get used to, tons of coffee and soda, lots of sleep during daytime and some discipline, but I finally got to get through the night.

2006-02-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

"Valentine Grinch"

Valentine day's over but I figured it won't hurt if I say bad things about it a few days afterwards. I'm sure that it will find a way to forgive me; it is the day of love after all.

Seriously though, being dateless on that day made me hate the occasion for the first time that I can remember. Gone were the days when I used to feel giddy about Valentine's. I remembered when I was in grade school, giving out a home-made card to my crush was one of the highlights of my year. Until recently, I felt that same feeling of happiness on Valentine's. This year though, I was sickened to see couples holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, laughing with each other, eating out, having drinks, making out (it does happen) etc. I wanted to knock some sense to these couples so that they'd all come back to reality from their chocolate-laced, gift-filled, flower-surrounded fantasies. I mean was all the preparation necessary? Wasn't a simple dinner necessary to convey a message of love? Chocolates? Flowers? Gifts? Cards? I think that's a bit over the edge.

But why is that? Why do guys put their best foot forward, plan agonizingly for the "perfect date" and burn their pockets in the process? Unconditional Love? Or is it just to get laid? Perhaps a little of the former and a lot of the latter?

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not thinking this way because I'm bitter... Well actually I am. Not dating the only person I wanted on Valentine's was a devastating blow for me. Sure I could have gotten a date had I chosen to do it but I decided to drink the night away with my fellow love-challenged friends instead. Somehow, I dind't want to part of all the foolish couples on Valentine's. You might think I'm a lovemonger. I'm not; I'm just a love cynic :)

2006-02-12T03:49:00.000-08:00

"Cutting Clean"

I lost a friend yesterday. Not just an ordinary one, she was the best I ever had. She also happens to be my only ex... No, she didn't die and she's not leaving the country. But I already said my last goodbye. There's a sense of finality in that. So now she's definitely lost - from my life, phone's address book, as well as my YM, Friendster and Blogspot accounts. We agreed that there'll be no more phone calls, text messages, chat sessions, dates, etc. I'll even burn her letters and pictures later.

Why did I say goodbye? Because I had to. Because if I didn't, my heart will break everytime I hear her talk fondly of someone else. I envy those guys. I really do. They've barely touched the surface of my ex-friend's personality and they're already hooked. I can't wait for them to learn how wonderful she really is.

Does it hurt? Of course it does. She was the only person I ever loved. I've never been so emotionally dependent in my life except with her. Her opinion was the only one I considered. Her approval, the only one that mattered.

Is there a chance of us being friends again? I doubt it. What we had was special. But I don't feel things will ever be the same as it used to be. I only hope that whoever's responsible for ending that friendship is damn well worth it.

So what now? Sooner or later I have to move on. All it takes is figuring out how to forget the best thing that ever happened to my life. No big deal. Just a walk in the park.

This post makes me envy Jim Carrey's character in the movie (one of my favorites) "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". What I would give to have my mind erased of all the memories that we had together. I feel that it's the only way for me to truly forget her. To break away. To cut clean.

2006-01-20T18:50:00.000-08:00

" Tissue, Anyone"

I used to wonder why tissue paper has always been white. I couldn't understand why it can't be dark-colored like brown, dark green, navy blue, or my personal favorite, black. Did the tissue gods decided to stick with white as the official color of the only (hopefully) piece of paper a person will entrust to wipe a dirty ass, furniture, appliances, spills etc? What's the significance of a tissue paper's color (or lack of it) to its use? You should be able to take any piece of it and wipe mess with that.

I also couldn't figure out why people have to look at it after they use it. I mean you know that it's gonna be dirty. Experience has thought everyone that if you use something to clean up a mess, it'll also be dirty. Why should a tissue be different?

Then it hit me. A tissue paper's color has use. It's white so that you'll know if it's dirty. It's white so that you wont use it anymore if it's soiled. It wasn't meant to be looked at after use; it's supposed to be checked before doing so.

People are like tissue paper. You need to check people for dirt before you get to know them unless you want to end up wiping your ass with soiled tissue paper. I know that a person's character shines through only when you get to know them, but I firmly believe that a good first impression is enough. Life's a game of hit-or-miss but if you end up accidentally taking a dirty tissue paper, you can always get a fresh one from the roll.

2006-01-16T09:04:00.000-08:00

"First Time"

This is my first blog posting. Heck i didn't even know what that meant until i looked up today what a blog is. It's defined as an online diary that an individual (that would be me) poses on the Internet. With that definition, I'm supposed (nay expected) to pour out the deepest recesses of my soul here and make it available to everybody through the Net (Suddenly the blog title "Silent Musings" isn't really a nice idea after all. I should do something about that later). An interesting concept; and one I'm willing to participate in for everyone's (including hopefully my own) amusement.

So I'm really excited about this! Before I started this endeavor, I looked at other blogs for inspiration, asked in which website I should use for my blog postings, and asked around regarding other intricasies of a blog. Then came the big moment of creating one. It turned out that doing so in Blogspot comes in only three easy steps. It was a breeze (Well except for choosing a username, blog title and blog URL. THAT took me several tries... each). After a few minutes I was done. Probably after a few more, I'll be finished with this blog posting.

Well this activity somehow reminded me of my first sexual experience.
1) I was also excited!
2) I also tried to know more about it before I first got it on (I always believe that it's best to come prepared). I read magazines, watched movies and asked around regarding sex a few years before I did it. With my bountiful knowledge, I felt I was fully equipped to handle the situation when my friends decided to do it before we go to college.
3) There were also actual preparations before the actual event. I took an unusually long bath, put on perfume, dressed nicely and had a few drinks.
4) It was also over in a few minutes.

It turns out that first times tend to be that way. There's a lot of anticipation and eagerness before the actual events, there are preparations done so that you won't look like an idiot doing it, and it oftentimes fall short of your expectations. You look at the finish product and hope that other people somehow enjoyed it... Chances are they won't. But you know that you'll be better afterwards. You'll learn that the first time is also your first of a lot of similar experiences. Suddenly you'll know from each experience where you've gone wrong and how to correct them. Yes this is my first blog posting. It may be crappy but I know I'll be better. Heck all good things must start from its own first time.